something’s gotta give

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Health and Weight Loss

I sometimes open my drafts to see what I had started writing in the past but never finished, and I almost always find something that I still have feelings about. Reading words I wrote seven years ago usually makes me laugh. So you can imagine that reading my blog makes me laugh a lot.

I picked this one titled, “Something’s Gotta Give” that I started when I was in college. I decided to stick with the original title, but I have so much to add to it. Below is what I had started writing:

Yesterday I was looking at swimsuits online, and I suddenly felt very sad that I didn’t have any reason to buy a new bathing suit this summer. I had planned on doing so as part of my new found usage of the fitness center. Long story, short, that hasn’t happened. The two modest suits I have work well enough for the swimming I do, but last night, it felt a little depressing that I had no one to try impress with a nice bathing suit. I’m like a middle-aged woman, hiding in my one piece. Immediately after I thought that, I regretted it. “Who cares?” I reasoned. “This is how I’ve been most of my life.” Really though, why would I have to impress anyone with a new bathing suit? I’m still sort of torn. In all honesty, my twenties have been boring thus far. Not that I feel entitled to a thrilling adventure full of laughter and love, I just want a little excitement. Maybe, a reason to buy a new suit for no reason.

These words, in particular, summarize how I’ve always felt about being a “thick girl.” I may have a mom-bod, but… I also kind of don’t give a shit. My weight has been up and down since puberty – weight gain with stress, weight loss with added exercise and nutrition.

Last April, I hit my heaviest weight after several months at my first desk job. I felt shitty, tired, bloated, etc. I started really trying again in July 2019, and struggled for a few months to find something that works.

Turns out, what works is to not quit and to keep trying new things. I have lost twenty pounds since August of 2019. I started seeing more results in the autumn. Honestly, autumn is more like my “New Year” than January 1. First, I added a walk at lunch when the weather cooled down. Then, I started counting calories. Then, I switched to keto for about 2-3 months. Whenever my weight loss stalled, I added another healthy behavior – things like an additional walk, fasting, strength training, or counting protein.

I set small goals and try to think about things in the long term. The plateaus were always tough. I tend to hold onto a number for 1-2 months before seeing a drop again. I feel so much better though, and even though I am not yet at my college weight, I am lighter than I was when I started my desk job. I also have confidence that I will keep seeing numbers I haven’t seen in years. It’s exciting for me. Maybe I will buy a swimsuit for no reason.

studio time during the shutdown

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8wRXnSB1hB/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

I have been re-working old pieces for the past few months. When I say that, I mean in the three times I sat down to paint since the beginning of the year 2020, I have been working on the colors and perspectives of three of my old pieces.

The first piece, above, was one that I didn’t like. Even when I “finished” it the first time, it wasn’t really completed. I usually feel that way though. It always seems like I could keep working something forever. In reality, I work on it until I am bored. The Staredown still doesn’t seem finished though. I think it needs to be blended together in some way. I may need to recolor the body or add some goldenrod. I’m not sure.

I have also been playing with watercolors as a means to study color mixing. I love watercolors, but I am really bad at them to be honest. I enjoyed this session (below) of playing around with the color wheel to achieve moodiness and cohesiveness in a palette.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B84W61LBnU4/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

The other two pieces I am re-working are still in progress. Both are portraits of my sisters. They needed something more to make them come alive. I have been trying to remember that photographs only need to influence and motivate a piece; they don’t need to be duplicated in the piece. In effect, I have been attempting to be more ethereal and fantastical with the colors and backgrounds. I want my work to reflect my interpretation of the moment that was captured by the photograph.

I am really proud of the progress I made on the one below.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_FbOudAwjr/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

instagram tv debut

In case you wanted to know, if you aren’t following me on Instagram, you are missing out on some day to day stuff. I think my IG branding is on point, honestly. Hahaha. I decided to try my hand at the daunting format of video. I even bought a fancy video editing software. I find I hate talking to a camera when what I really want to be doing is listening to music or an audiobook and WORKING. So I tried narrating this one and making it was actually kind of enjoyable.

https://www.instagram.com/tv/B_C3yM7BwUo/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link