In an effort to acknowledge things I cannot change, and in the spirit of my last post, I thought I might create a list of things that have not gone my way. After re-reading a post from May, some developments have been made.
1. My MRI shows that my ACL and meniscus are torn.
2. I did not make my Dietbet.
3. I have to paint 20-30 pieces by August.
It’s okay though.
A patron at the bar asked me what I want to be when I grow up while I was getting his beer. I answered, “that’s still up for debate.” He liked my answer and agreed that life isn’t always black and white. Over the past seven years, I’ve tried to determine my “dream job.” After taking personality tests and career tests and researching job prospects, I am still only a little closer to that answer, but every time I ask myself this question, a quiet voice answers, “motherhood is my dream job.” I knew when I was younger I wanted a family. At times, I want to be a mom so much that it hurts. Having kids was always something I had to look forward to and progress towards. The past few years have made that goal seem further and further away. When I was talking this through with my cousin she responded that disappointment is a part of life. Of course, she’s right. Disappointment in myself is a constant battle of trying not to compare myself to others or think negatively about myself. I know I am disappointed in myself. It seems like I took a wrong turn, and I’m not living my life but someone else’s. When I made it through college and job searching, I wasn’t ready for a relationship let alone starting a family. Now, I see young families walking at the park, and I question whether I’ll ever be capable of loving someone enough to start a family with them. I have to just keep going and pray that I’m headed in the right direction.
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When I wash off my makeup and look in the mirror I feel most beautiful. Something about the freshness of my dewy lashes and the remnants of black mascara under my shining eyes, makes me think,
Damn, I’d do me.