I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m still looking. I’m lonely and that’s good because I didn’t do something I regret. I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m working on myself. I’m lonely, but I still love myself. I’m lonely, but I’m still happy.
A patron at the bar asked me what I want to be when I grow up while I was getting his beer. I answered, “that’s still up for debate.” He liked my answer and agreed that life isn’t always black and white. Over the past seven years, I’ve tried to determine my “dream job.” After taking personality tests and career tests and researching job prospects, I am still only a little closer to that answer, but every time I ask myself this question, a quiet voice answers, “motherhood is my dream job.” I knew when I was younger I wanted a family. At times, I want to be a mom so much that it hurts. Having kids was always something I had to look forward to and progress towards. The past few years have made that goal seem further and further away. When I was talking this through with my cousin she responded that disappointment is a part of life. Of course, she’s right. Disappointment in myself is a constant battle of trying not to compare myself to others or think negatively about myself. I know I am disappointed in myself. It seems like I took a wrong turn, and I’m not living my life but someone else’s. When I made it through college and job searching, I wasn’t ready for a relationship let alone starting a family. Now, I see young families walking at the park, and I question whether I’ll ever be capable of loving someone enough to start a family with them. I have to just keep going and pray that I’m headed in the right direction.
follow me on bloglovin
While putting your laundry away, you were thinking about choices. Life is full of them. The choice you make every day is to live in this town. You like it here, but you don’t know if somewhere else could be better. You know that you’d miss your family, but you don’t know if things would go right for you just because you changed the scenery.
Maybe it takes participating in a talent show at your high school to realize that something is missing. You’ve been preoccupied with making the right decisions without recognizing how you arrived where you are today. You have been having trouble believing in yourself because you’ve been disappointed by yourself in the past. You have been doubting your decisions. You just don’t trust yourself to make the right ones.
You hadn’t really yet put into words why you get so uncomfortable when you think about high school (and now college). Now you understand that the high school campus reminds you of the potential you had, and college reminds you of the anxiety and doubt that worstened while you were there. You don’t know why you didn’t acknowledge it before this, but your misconceptions have destroyed the pride you once had in your accomplishments. Now you constantly worry whether you should be changing the status quo or staying with this path. You can’t decide what your passion is and whether or not that even matters for a career.
There are a couple people in your life who truly believe that you can do anything you want. They want you to do what you love and be successful emotionally and financially. There are also those who want you to be rational and traditional about your career. A couple of them have given up on themselves a little bit. Show them all that it’s about hard work and a good attitude. Rebuild your self-confidence and learn to trust yourself again. Today is a new day.
Write down your goals.
Put your goals first.
Make this day better than the last.
Most importantly, understand this, in order for you to find happiness where you are, no matter where that is, you have to be happy with yourself. Stop letting your attitude beat down your goals. Even if they don’t appear to be amazing, life-changing plans, they are your jumping off point. Make sure that you keep moving forward, and only look back to glean something helpful. Don’t look back for too long. Remember, tomorrow is when it gets even more interesting.