something’s gotta give

Health and Weight Loss

I sometimes open my drafts to see what I had started writing in the past but never finished, and I almost always find something that I still have feelings about. Reading words I wrote seven years ago usually makes me laugh. So you can imagine that reading my blog makes me laugh a lot.

I picked this one titled, “Something’s Gotta Give” that I started when I was in college. I decided to stick with the original title, but I have so much to add to it. Below is what I had started writing:

Yesterday I was looking at swimsuits online, and I suddenly felt very sad that I didn’t have any reason to buy a new bathing suit this summer. I had planned on doing so as part of my new found usage of the fitness center. Long story, short, that hasn’t happened. The two modest suits I have work well enough for the swimming I do, but last night, it felt a little depressing that I had no one to try impress with a nice bathing suit. I’m like a middle-aged woman, hiding in my one piece. Immediately after I thought that, I regretted it. “Who cares?” I reasoned. “This is how I’ve been most of my life.” Really though, why would I have to impress anyone with a new bathing suit? I’m still sort of torn. In all honesty, my twenties have been boring thus far. Not that I feel entitled to a thrilling adventure full of laughter and love, I just want a little excitement. Maybe, a reason to buy a new suit for no reason.

These words, in particular, summarize how I’ve always felt about being a “thick girl.” I may have a mom-bod, but… I also kind of don’t give a shit. My weight has been up and down since puberty – weight gain with stress, weight loss with added exercise and nutrition.

Last April, I hit my heaviest weight after several months at my first desk job. I felt shitty, tired, bloated, etc. I started really trying again in July 2019, and struggled for a few months to find something that works.

Turns out, what works is to not quit and to keep trying new things. I have lost twenty pounds since August of 2019. I started seeing more results in the autumn. Honestly, autumn is more like my “New Year” than January 1. First, I added a walk at lunch when the weather cooled down. Then, I started counting calories. Then, I switched to keto for about 2-3 months. Whenever my weight loss stalled, I added another healthy behavior – things like an additional walk, fasting, strength training, or counting protein.

I set small goals and try to think about things in the long term. The plateaus were always tough. I tend to hold onto a number for 1-2 months before seeing a drop again. I feel so much better though, and even though I am not yet at my college weight, I am lighter than I was when I started my desk job. I also have confidence that I will keep seeing numbers I haven’t seen in years. It’s exciting for me. Maybe I will buy a swimsuit for no reason.

studio time during the shutdown

I have been re-working old pieces for the past few months. When I say that, I mean in the three times I sat down to paint since the beginning of the year 2020, I have been working on the colors and perspectives of three of my old pieces.

The first piece, above, was one that I didn’t like. Even when I “finished” it the first time, it wasn’t really completed. I usually feel that way though. It always seems like I could keep working something forever. In reality, I work on it until I am bored. The Staredown still doesn’t seem finished though. I think it needs to be blended together in some way. I may need to recolor the body or add some goldenrod. I’m not sure.

I have also been playing with watercolors as a means to study color mixing. I love watercolors, but I am really bad at them to be honest. I enjoyed this session (below) of playing around with the color wheel to achieve moodiness and cohesiveness in a palette.

The other two pieces I am re-working are still in progress. Both are portraits of my sisters. They needed something more to make them come alive. I have been trying to remember that photographs only need to influence and motivate a piece; they don’t need to be duplicated in the piece. In effect, I have been attempting to be more ethereal and fantastical with the colors and backgrounds. I want my work to reflect my interpretation of the moment that was captured by the photograph.

I am really proud of the progress I made on the one below.

instagram tv debut

In case you wanted to know, if you aren’t following me on Instagram, you are missing out on some day to day stuff. I think my IG branding is on point, honestly. Hahaha. I decided to try my hand at the daunting format of video. I even bought a fancy video editing software. I find I hate talking to a camera when what I really want to be doing is listening to music or an audiobook and WORKING. So I tried narrating this one and making it was actually kind of enjoyable.