it’s his game but I have the advantage

thoughts

I knew he was trouble. I knew his reputation. He always bought the drinks. He always drank too much. I’d see him with one girl or another. Then he came to my bar during my shift. He asked me who I was and what I did for a living. His voice was soft and intimate. He stayed all night and asked if I was going anywhere after I closed up. I was, and he was there when I walked through the door. He asked me to sit with him and tried to give me his double vodka.

When I said it was time to leave, he followed me to my car, but I left him standing in the parking lot. I had a Facebook message from him before I got into bed.  I knew he was trouble. So I had the advantage. I added him on Snapchat and waited for the fun to begin. I knew he sent dozens of girls the same cute pic of him laying in bed with his dogs. I could tease him and call him out on his bullshit. I could act like I needed him and then walk right out on him.

This went on for months. If he messaged me, I responded. If he bought me a drink when I ran into him, I drank it. If he wanted to come to see me during my bar shift, I flirted as best as I could. I knew he was trouble, but I was bored. Plus, he was good for business. I never met up with him when he asked. Until one Friday when I was feeling lonely and self-conscious, I decided to see how it would go.

When I got to the bar, he was, for a lack of a more appropriate word, cocked. He was drunk and obsessed with my body. He slapped my ass twice and spilled a drink down my shirt. Even drunk, he was seductive somehow. He stood so close. We were side by side at the bar, his arm pressed tightly against mine and his voice in my ear. He sang Kenny Chesney. He told me he wanted to have kids. He talked about how much he loved his grandpa. He asked if I would go see a movie with him. He bought drink after drink trying to get me drunk, but there was no way I could, or would, catch up to him.

Then this guy, who had been drunk messaging me for weeks and wouldn’t even ask me out to dinner, said he wanted to marry me. I just about walked out of the bar right then. I was both entertained and somewhat baffled. Here he was, in the flesh, Mr. F*ckboy. You can’t want a wife and want to sleep with strangers. You have to choose.  He either really didn’t know what he wanted out of life or he knew exactly what he wanted and he was that manipulative.

You can’t want a wife and want to sleep with strangers. You have to choose.

Still, it made me feel powerful to tease him. Knowing what I did gave me a clear vantage point. I stayed until they kicked us out. Before that night, I wavered on what I would choose when he, inevitably, presented the opportunity to me. I had told myself I was in control, but when it came down to staying the night or going home, I wasn’t sure what I would do.

That night it appeared I was going to find out. He couldn’t drive home, and as I pulled into his driveway, he asked if I was coming inside. As I drove away, he yelled at me, “You’re beautiful! I hate you!”

Driving home I thought about how I could have been in his bed at that exact moment. I was proud of myself. If I had wanted a meaningless hookup, he’d be the guy to call, but I would be lying to myself if I said that’s what I wanted. I would get hurt because what I truly wanted was a best friend.

A lot of people have settled for less than they deserve because they can’t deal with the alternative: being alone. It’s so much easier to let an asshole tell you that you’re sexy than to think straight and realize he says that to every girl. I did it though. I made it through his trap.

He messaged me to tell me he was sorry. I kept it friendly. “Don’t be sorry… actually, you did try to kidnap me. Be sorry for that,” I responded, laughing. I wasn’t looking for an enemy. I just wasn’t going to sleep with him.

To my surprise, he came walking in on my afternoon shift the next day. Drinking double Rum and Cokes all day will get you pretty messed up by 7 pm, and he never slowed down. Again, after my shift, we went for more drinks. Then he got a call asking him where he was. “I’m not with anyone,” he responded.

I got up to leave. He asked for a hug, and I walked out. I deleted him on Snapchat. I ended that temptation. I’m not one of his Snapchat girls, and I decided I should stop pretending to be. In retaliation, he deleted me on Facebook and Instagram.

“We aren’t friends anymore?" I messaged him. 
“No you deleted me on Snap.”

That was the end of that. A few weeks went by without hearing from him. I expected it. He was bruised from me taking away his favorite line of communication. I saw him around and was pleasant. He always looked like a puppy in solitary confinement. I did miss the thrill. I missed the game. I can go days without getting a call or a message from someone. That stings a little. It’s where I am in my life. I work a lot and rarely see friends. One day, while walking through the park in the dark with my dog, I messaged him.

“are you being good?" I asked.
"trying to be. y?”
“no reason.”
“are u okay?” he said. I was caught off guard.
"yeah. just wondered how you were. will you be at the club tomorrow?”
“you working?”
“yeah”
“I’ll be there.”

Just like that, there he was again. This time he wasn’t drinking doubles, he was slowly sipping on a cheap draft beer. He brought up the movie he still hadn’t seen yet. We talked about taking vacations and traveling. He spoke quietly and laughed and smiled. He was the second to last guy to leave when I closed. I debated going out after because I knew he would be there. I decided against it, but, sure enough, he messaged me, “You coming out?”

I explained that I had to get up for work the next day. He responded that it was all good, and we said good night. I thought the conversation was over, but another message appeared. He said he still wanted to see that movie and that if I was interested, we should go. I knew he was trouble, but I’m not one to turn down a movie so I agreed, picked a date, and said I’d meet him there.

"do you want me to like pick you up and open the door and be all cute and shit?"
"is that how you want to do it?" I asked.
"yes."

I mentally gave him an “A+” for acting the part of a gentleman. My friends seemed genuinely shocked that he had made a move beyond drinks. They figured he didn’t ask a lot of girls out to anything other than the bar. I told them that my expectations were lower than low.

Two days later, the day we planned to go out, I hadn’t heard from him. I wondered if I should let him forget about it – and then call him out for flaking – or if I should remind him, and listen to the inevitable excuse. I opted for the latter.

"are we still on for tonight?" 
"oh I'm out-of-town helping my sister. what time is the movie again?"

I didn’t respond.

"Hello?" He demanded.
"what?"
"what time is the movie?"

I repeated the time, and he asked why I had an attitude. I told him if he was out-of-town he probably should have thought about telling the girl he asked to a movie. He apologized, but the apology was back-handed. Instead of owning up to the fact that he forgot, he made it seem like I was out of line.

I was actually kind of relieved. I had gone back and forth between thinking it was a social experiment and thinking I didn’t want to cross this line. I knew he was trouble. Out of sheer boredom, I continued this odd relationship. I’m not sure if he just always gets what he wants or is there is something seriously wrong with his mental state. Maybe he is an alcoholic.

Knowing what I know, and being treated the way I have, makes it hard for me to imagine developing feelings for him, but sometimes, I can’t play this game because my heart is tired of hiding. I need to let it be sad and protect it from misguided attention. Most of the time, I still find this game fun. This might be a dangerous game to play, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m still ahead.

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currently november 2018

money, thoughts

life currently (2)

Currently Reading: The Prestige by Christopher Priest. This one wasn’t on the list I posted a month ago. I was talking about how much I loved the movie version at the bar, and a customer said the book was incredible. He found his copy for me and let me borrow it. I finished First Fiction last week, and I was eager to start The Prestige. First Fiction was very good. I wish I was more familiar with some of the authors because I really enjoyed some of the stories. I tend to like short stories that are about mental health or stories that cast a curious light on seemingly average people or scenes. I listed some of my favorite stories here.

Currently Listening To: Use Me by The Goo Goo Dolls

Currently Watching: A Series of Unfortunate Events

Currently Loving: My Roomba and slow cooker. I listened to Jenna Kutcher’s podcast regularly for a few weeks, and something I kept hearing was that she “outsources” to get more done in her business and in her personal life. I’m the kind of person to do something for myself. I prefer to cook at home and fix things myself. While I don’t run my own business, I do work 56 hrs a week, and with the new position I accepted, I will be driving for 7.5 hrs a week. I think the Roomba and slow cooker are my little way of “outsourcing.” These two machines make life a little easier. BTW – I bought a certified refurbished Roomba using my “fun” money and I couldn’t be happier with it.

Currently Thankful For: A new opportunity at a stable company. It’s only temporary, but I feel good about it.

Currently Celebrating: Friends and family.

Currently Thinking: Christmas presents. I need to buy Christmas presents.

Currently Worrying: I need two new tires. Fun stuff.

Currently Hoping: The weather stays decent for driving to work.

Currently Considering: I lost my six month diet bet. I’m really disappointed, and I went through a phase where I wanted to be done looking at the scale. I want to do Keto for 21 days without any weighing myself or counting anything. I just want to add more protein and cut carbs blindly and see how I feel.

Currently Trying: I did two holiday craft shows in November, and I learned that if I could sell enough art to pay for the hobby, I would be happy. My mom and I are splitting a booth next Sunday, and I am hopeful that this show will be a little more lucrative.

Currently Painting: Poinsettias.

Currently Knitting: A beautiful ribbed scarf. I’m loving how the knit pattern looks.

To my friends and family that follow along, sorry for going silent for a month! My routine should be seeing a vast improvement now that I’m no longer at my old position.

❤ Hannah

 

 

I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m still looking. I’m lonely and that’s good because I didn’t do something I regret. ‎I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m working on myself. ‎I’m lonely, but I still love myself. ‎I’m lonely, but I’m still happy.

thoughts

craigslist dog

thoughts

Craigslist Dog, sit. Craigslist Dog, wait. Craigslist Dog, quit hitting the baby with your tail.

The thing about Craigslist dogs is that they are special. Especially the one I re-homed. Charlie’s original owners were dog people. They bred Dobermans. Yet when I asked her why they were getting rid of him, she replied that he was too much for them. That should have been my first clue. The second clue should have been when she asked if I had read anything about the breed.

When I think about it, she was very lucky that I was the one to drive an hour to take him off their hands. I think about all the people who could have taken him home and how most of them would have been in way over their heads.

Craigslist Dog requires a lot of patience and a lot of exercise and a lot of food and water. Craigslist Dog prefers to be working rather than letting people pet him. Craigslist Dog does not like to be stuck inside all day. Craigslist Dog refuses to get into the car 90% of the time. Craigslist Dog hates when people enter the house without his consent.

I’m a patient person and I was prepared to be particularly patient and work hard on his training because, one, I want him to retrieve waterfowl and two, I want him to be a really well behaved dog. Maybe, other breeds would have been easier, but I doubt they would be as loyal as my Horse. Lucky for me, I know nothing else but what Charlie’s training has been like.

Maybe one day I’ll have another dog and I’ll think, “it’s true what they say about Chessies.” They’re big brown goofballs and they are the most stubborn retrievers of them all.

Here’s the thing, my Craigslist Dog greets me every time I come home. My Craigslist Dog wants nothing more than to lay with me in my bed. My Craigslist Dog thinks the greatest thing in the whole wide world is going on a walk with me.

When I come home from a long day at work, Craigslist Dog is there to make everything better.

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thursday thoughts: big dogs

thoughts

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It’s hard to write with a dog on your chest.

I turned the lights off the other night with Charlie’s head on my chest, and I suddenly felt very aware of the 100 pound animal sharing my bed. I had originally put off letting him on my bed. In the morning, he would put his front half on the bed to nuzzle me and wake me up. Then he started jumping up on it in the evening or during the day when I was at my desk. After that, he slept through some of the night on the bed, but the past few nights he has slept the whole night with me.

I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I do love hugging him. I at least push him to side when he’s taking up the whole bed though.

Anyway, I was thinking about him being in my bed, and it made me remember when I first realized how weird it is to have such a big animal share our houses with us. I was probably ten when I looked out into the backyard and saw my childhood dog, Casper, and the beagles running around and thought, “There are animals in the yard!”

It was an interesting thought. I still love seeing deer in a field even though I see them all the time. There’s something about such a big animal being free in the woods. It’s like they are a secret. Dogs aren’t as free; they belong with us, or, at any rate, we like having them around. Still, when you forget the context of pets and see them in your yard, they look wild and free again.