I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m still looking. I’m lonely and that’s good because I didn’t do something I regret. I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m working on myself. I’m lonely, but I still love myself. I’m lonely, but I’m still happy.
After a while, I start to wonder if the things I think and write down are redundant. It’s like Groundhog Day or 50 First Dates, every day I come to the same realization and that gets me to the next day. Then I wake up and have to convince myself it’s okay all over again.
Not much changes. I mean I’ve had a few minor revelations over the past few months. I’ve learned some things about how to be a better friend and how to communicate better. I’ve been able to see the flaws in others but still care for their needs.
But, my car still has the same problems it had three months ago, and my weight loss plateaued again. I still hang out in the same places with the same people without meeting anyone new.
When I say I have to reassure myself everyday that this is just one phase of my life, I’m not exaggerating. I lay down at night and say to myself, “It will not always be this way” when in reality, it – life- is never the same. From first grade, to second, from freshman year volleyball to junior year softball to college sophomore fall semester to spring rugby to final semester of college to driving an hour to work for ten months to working in back in town for a year. Life’s path is not unchanging.
It sure does feel like it, though, when the bills are due, and you have just enough to get through the next two weeks; the progress you’ve made in behavioral training seems to have evaporated out of your dog’s head; the repairs for your car keep getting pushed back even though your inspection’s up, and on top of all that cops are being killed, priests are being killed, children are being sold as sex laves, and the only people the U.S. can come up with to be the face of the free world are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.
What gives, Mortal Existence? What do I do with all this?
There really aren’t very many good answers here on earth other than practicing love. I balance the negative thoughts with the good and always try to fall asleep feeling at peace.
So here I am again, trying to answer my own questions. I’m trying to write the advice I need to read. The best answer I have for overcoming a lack of peace is yoga and prayer and children.
- Let your worries go and play with kids. I’ve always been one for embarking on small adventures. Having small children around who get excited to go take a hike or play in the river with you brings youthfulness back into your heart.
- Surrendering your physical presence in some form of activity: yoga, biking, swimming, whatever distracts you from your mind and focuses on being. An evening bike ride in the dark makes me feel like a million bucks.
- When your chest feels weighed down and you can’t breathe or think straight, you have to give it all up. I give it up to God, but if you need to give it up to the universe or the earth, you go ahead and do that. Give up your thoughts and emotions in prayer. Today, I prayed out loud for the first time in awhile. I asked for peace and then I cried. I felt pretty darn good after that.
Here’s how I know my mind and heart are in a bad place. I get out of work and all I want to do is eat ice cream. Like maybe I could just curl up in a human sized container of ice cream for the rest of my life. That could be nice.
Luckily, Charlie is there when I pull up. He’s always ready to rattle me out of my funk. He’s super needy.
Work is overwhelming me a little bit, and even though I told myself I was not going to stress about money and “career” and instead focus on my health and wellness, I’ve been slowly building up my stress levels again.
At the end of this month, I will have worked ten months at my current job. My previous job only lasted ten months-after having started to die inside after only about four months. Now here I am starting to fight the “death inside” feeling again.
A week ago, I told my coworker that the atmosphere at work was feeling negative and that I was fighting it. There’s no way I’m letting their energy consume me too. For me, staying positive at work means thinking about all the places I could end up in a couple of years-all the things I could do or see. Last Tuesday went along much the same. I was living in the present while enjoying the little flicker of hope that change can happen at any minute. I was really productive after work and felt really good about a trip I’m planning for May.
THEN, Wednesday hit me like a freight train. Between customers, suppliers, dealers, marketing reps, personnel drama, etc., an introvert like me can get eaten alive in a factory work setting. I decided that I need to actually start looking for my prime location. I have been saying that I’m going to research states and cities and find where I’m meant to be, but I haven’t done much.
After work, I took Charlie to the dam to try to make things better, but he wasn’t having a great day. We had to walk a bit before we got over that. We came home. I made a fire and stared at it waiting for God to tell me if I’m on the right track (I didn’t hear an answer). I ate dinner, and then I started researching and looking at maps. I started this post in a bad emotional state, feeling upset and tired. Then after scrolling through cities and maps, I just felt better.
I have a one year from now plan. I’m going to stick to it. I think it’s good, and honestly, for the most part, I’m happy. I am happy except for when other people make me feel like I shouldn’t be happy- like when my brother or sister says something rude about my degree or my grandma insists on handing me information on the jobs available in the school system, or a friend talks about her school counseling program like college is the end all be all of life decisions. All those people make me so frustrated. They make me feel inadequate. They make me feel like I messed up. They make me want to get a job I hate just so I can put on airs about my success and happiness. So to everyone saying I can’t or I won’t or I shouldn’t, please don’t, just go home and spend some time considering that other people find happiness in walking a dog and fishing the river and hanging driftwood on their bedroom wall.