valentine’s day 2018

I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m still looking. I’m lonely and that’s good because I didn’t do something I regret. ‎I’m lonely, and that’s good because I’m working on myself. ‎I’m lonely, but I still love myself. ‎I’m lonely, but I’m still happy.

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the pressure to succeed

I was sitting here ready to pour out my heart about being in a rut. I was going to say that my mission to be positive worked on my coworker, but I feel more down than ever.Then I realized that I wasn’t thinking about money. That mad me happy, like ‘Hey look at you!” Then I thought about money which made me feel bad again.

Then I stumbled upon this article from Inc.com: Why Millennials Feel More Pressure to Succeed Than Any Other Generation.

It reminded me about the times I have caught myself thinking about celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, and Jennifer Lawrence. I can’t be worldwide like Taylor Swift. I can’t make as much money as her, and for some wild reason, that makes me feel inadequate.

“Why haven’t I made a life changing app or website?”

“Why haven’t I become an amazing doctor?”

“Why haven’t I made a million dollars?”

“Why haven’t I traveled the world?”

“Why isn’t my body thin and youthful and tabloid worthy?”

“Why don’t I have an Oscar?”

“Why don’t I have a platinum record?”

Comparing myself to celebrities seems downright unbalanced.

Maybe Tay-Tay has been on a world tour, but have she ever caught a trout along the river or had a black bear walk by her in the woods?

Probably not.

The author of the article I mentioned wrote that, “it was the shame of feeling like I haven’t done enough with my life … and that time is running out.” The funny part is that the author was talking about this feeling upon turning 30. I feel like this, and I’m only 23.

However, there is something to look at in the successes of the “rich and famous” which is that they have dedicated their lives to their work in a way that I will probably never understand. My one true complaint is that I wish I could have found my passion and the path to making money from it when I was 13. That would have been real nice.

 

10 months

Work is overwhelming me a little bit, and even though I told myself I was not going to stress about money and “career” and instead focus on my health and wellness, I’ve been slowly building up my stress levels again.

At the end of this month, I will have worked ten months at my current job. My previous job only lasted ten months-after having started to die inside after only about four months. Now here I am starting to fight the “death inside” feeling again.

A week ago, I told my coworker that the atmosphere at work was feeling negative and that I was fighting it. There’s no way I’m letting their energy consume me too. For me, staying positive at work means thinking about all the places I could end up in a couple of years-all the things I could do or see. Last Tuesday went along much the same. I was living in the present while enjoying the little flicker of hope that change can happen at any minute. I was really productive after work and felt really good about a trip I’m planning for May.

THEN, Wednesday hit me like a freight train. Between customers, suppliers, dealers, marketing reps, personnel drama, etc., an introvert like me can get eaten alive in a factory work setting. I decided that I need to actually start looking for my prime location. I have been saying that I’m going to research states and cities and find where I’m meant to be, but I haven’t done much.

After work, I took Charlie to the dam to try to make things better, but he wasn’t having a great day. We had to walk a bit before we got over that. We came home. I made a fire and stared at it waiting for God to tell me if I’m on the right track (I didn’t hear an answer). I ate dinner, and then I started researching and looking at maps. I started this post in a bad emotional state, feeling upset and tired. Then after scrolling through cities and maps, I just felt better.

I have a one year from now plan. I’m going to stick to it. I think it’s good, and honestly, for the most part, I’m happy. I am happy except for when other people make me feel like I shouldn’t be happy- like when my brother or sister says something rude about my degree or my grandma insists on handing me information on the jobs available in the school system, or a friend talks about her school counseling program like college is the end all be all of life decisions. All those people make me so frustrated. They make me feel inadequate. They make me feel like I messed up. They make me want to get a job I hate just so I can put on airs about my success and happiness. So to everyone saying I can’t or I won’t or  I shouldn’t, please don’t, just go home and spend some time considering that other people find happiness in walking a dog and fishing the river and hanging driftwood on their bedroom wall.