After a while, I start to wonder if the things I think and write down are redundant. It’s like Groundhog Day or 50 First Dates, every day I come to the same realization and that gets me to the next day. Then I wake up and have to convince myself it’s okay all over again.
Not much changes. I mean I’ve had a few minor revelations over the past few months. I’ve learned some things about how to be a better friend and how to communicate better. I’ve been able to see the flaws in others but still care for their needs.
But, my car still has the same problems it had three months ago, and my weight loss plateaued again. I still hang out in the same places with the same people without meeting anyone new.
When I say I have to reassure myself everyday that this is just one phase of my life, I’m not exaggerating. I lay down at night and say to myself, “It will not always be this way” when in reality, it – life- is never the same. From first grade, to second, from freshman year volleyball to junior year softball to college sophomore fall semester to spring rugby to final semester of college to driving an hour to work for ten months to working in back in town for a year. Life’s path is not unchanging.
It sure does feel like it, though, when the bills are due, and you have just enough to get through the next two weeks; the progress you’ve made in behavioral training seems to have evaporated out of your dog’s head; the repairs for your car keep getting pushed back even though your inspection’s up, and on top of all that cops are being killed, priests are being killed, children are being sold as sex laves, and the only people the U.S. can come up with to be the face of the free world are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.
What gives, Mortal Existence? What do I do with all this?
There really aren’t very many good answers here on earth other than practicing love. I balance the negative thoughts with the good and always try to fall asleep feeling at peace.
So here I am again, trying to answer my own questions. I’m trying to write the advice I need to read. The best answer I have for overcoming a lack of peace is yoga and prayer and children.
- Let your worries go and play with kids. I’ve always been one for embarking on small adventures. Having small children around who get excited to go take a hike or play in the river with you brings youthfulness back into your heart.
- Surrendering your physical presence in some form of activity: yoga, biking, swimming, whatever distracts you from your mind and focuses on being. An evening bike ride in the dark makes me feel like a million bucks.
- When your chest feels weighed down and you can’t breathe or think straight, you have to give it all up. I give it up to God, but if you need to give it up to the universe or the earth, you go ahead and do that. Give up your thoughts and emotions in prayer. Today, I prayed out loud for the first time in awhile. I asked for peace and then I cried. I felt pretty darn good after that.
Here were my March goals.
- read 3 books <<I read 1 and started another>>
- lift three times a week for 20 minutes <<I did this for 2 out of 5 weeks>>
- finish knitting Mia’s scarf <<definitely made progress on, but not complete>>
- take more photos <<eh>>
- job search and read up on my field (potential fields too) <<eh>>
- find a new way to volunteer <</>>
- quit twirling my hair <</>>
save money for summer trips (little to no spending)
- train/play with charlie every day <<eh>>
- lose 5 lbs. <<I lost 2 but then gained it back from lifting>>
I knew there was a reason I was heavy on the portion control and not on the exercise. I build muscle relatively quickly and an appetite to match. I hate to see my work in the kitchen backslide when my appetite becomes out of control when I’m exercising. However, I do feel much better having lifted the past two weeks. My body already feels stronger. I know that seems impossible, but I inherited some pretty awesome muscle building genes. 😛
On all points, March was not a great goal reaching month. Maybe I got a little ambitious.
April is going well so far. Our band has another gig this Friday. Hashtag excitement. Charlie and I have been having fun outside even with the snowy weather. I cannot wait until the weather gets a little nicer, and I can squeeze in some trout fishing. One good thing about March was that my summer vacation fund grew a bit, and I was able to put another $75 on my small loan so far. Baby steps.
- finish 2 books
- lift at least three times a week for 20 minutes
- finish knitting Mia’s scarf
- trout fish as much as possible
- sing more
- write more
- quit twirling my hair
- continue to save vacation money
- train/play with charlie every day
- lose 5 lbs. and/or a couple of inches all around
I’d like to take this month to focus on myself and less on how much money I do or don’t have. It’s hard when I really want to pay down debt. For right now, I’m doing everything I can, and I want to put more energy into my health and fitness and less on stressing about money I don’t have. So here’s to April!