how did i end up here?

img_20180529_205522I hosted friends at my house for the first time since I actually finished the living room floor. When a friend of my friend unexpectedly needed a place to spend the night, she stopped at my house to hang out before going home to bed. Let’s call her, B. B is around my age and she is struggling at life.  She’s got good friends, a place to live, and a good heart, but otherwise she is lost. She was a little tipsy after a wedding and was very talkative.

First she wanted to look around my house – which was one hundred percent fine. I think it’s wrong if you don’t want to do that. Then, she started asking questions. She asked if my cousin and I were roommates. She asked about my rent. She asked how I decided to get a dog. She was basically asking how I adult.

img_20180617_143752_785

I responded, of course, that no my cousin does not live with me.  Charlie is my roommate.  Just me and him. In the house that I own. She could not process how I was living by myself with my dog in a house that I own. I sat there contemplating how much I should share with a stranger. I decided to tell her the truth without going into the intimate details, and I have been thinking about my answers ever since.

How did I end up here?

Continue reading “how did i end up here?”

Advertisements

3 Ways to Find Peace

After a while, I start to wonder if the things I think and write down are redundant. It’s like Groundhog Day or 50 First Dates, every day I come to the same realization and that gets me to the next day. Then I wake up and have to convince myself it’s okay all over again.

Not much changes. I mean I’ve had a few minor revelations over the past few months. I’ve learned some things about how to be a better friend and how to communicate better. I’ve been able to see the flaws in others but still care for their needs.

But, my car still has the same problems it had three months ago, and my weight loss plateaued again. I still hang out in the same places with the same people without meeting anyone new.

When I say I have to reassure myself everyday that this is just one phase of my life, I’m not exaggerating. I lay down at night and say to myself, “It will not always be this way” when in reality, it – life- is never the same. From first grade, to second, from freshman year volleyball to junior year softball to college sophomore fall semester to spring rugby to final semester of college to driving an hour to work for ten months to working in back in town for a year. Life’s path is not unchanging.

It sure does feel like it, though, when the bills are due, and you have just enough to get through the next two weeks; the progress you’ve made in behavioral training seems to have evaporated out of your dog’s head; the repairs for your car keep getting pushed back even though your inspection’s up, and on top of all that cops are being killed, priests are being killed, children are being sold as sex laves, and the only people the U.S. can come up with to be the face of the free world are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.

What gives, Mortal Existence? What do I do with all this?

There really aren’t very many good answers here on earth other than practicing love. I balance the negative thoughts with the good and always try to fall asleep feeling at peace.

So here I am again, trying to answer my own questions. I’m trying to write the advice I need to read. The best answer I have for overcoming a lack of peace is yoga and prayer and children.

  • Let your worries go and play with kids. I’ve always been one for embarking on small adventures. Having small children around who get excited to go take a hike or play in the river with you brings youthfulness back into your heart.
  • Surrendering your physical presence in some form of activity: yoga, biking, swimming, whatever distracts you from your mind and focuses on being. An evening bike ride in the dark makes me feel like a million bucks.
  • When your chest feels weighed down and you can’t breathe or think straight, you have to give it all up. I give it up to God, but if you need to give it up to the universe or the earth, you go ahead and do that. Give up your thoughts and emotions in prayer. Today, I prayed out loud for the first time in awhile. I asked for peace and then I cried. I felt pretty darn good after that.

IMG_1764

learn to trust yourself

trusting myself.png

While putting your laundry away, you were thinking about choices. Life is full of them. The choice you make every day is to live in this town. You like it here, but you don’t know if somewhere else could be better. You know that you’d miss your family, but you don’t know if things would go right for you just because you changed the scenery.

Maybe it takes participating in a talent show at your high school to realize that something is missing. You’ve been preoccupied with making the right decisions without recognizing how you arrived where you are today. You have been having trouble believing in yourself because you’ve been disappointed by yourself in the past. You have been doubting your decisions. You just don’t trust yourself to make the right ones.

You hadn’t really yet put into words why you get so uncomfortable when you think about high school (and now college). Now you understand that the high school campus reminds you of the potential you had, and college reminds you of the anxiety and doubt that worstened while you were there. You don’t know why you didn’t acknowledge it before this, but your misconceptions have destroyed the pride you once had in your accomplishments. Now you constantly worry whether you should be changing the status quo or staying with this path. You can’t decide what your passion is and whether or not that even matters for a career.

There are a couple people in your life who truly believe that you can do anything you want. They want you to do what you love and be successful emotionally and financially. There are also those who want you to be rational and traditional about your career. A couple of them have given up on themselves a little bit. Show them all that it’s about hard work and a good attitude. Rebuild your self-confidence and learn to trust yourself again. Today is a new day.

Write down your goals.

Put your goals first.

Make this day better than the last.

Most importantly, understand this, in order for you to find happiness where you are, no matter where that is, you have to be happy with yourself. Stop letting your attitude beat down your goals. Even if they don’t appear to be amazing, life-changing plans, they are your jumping off point. Make sure that you keep moving forward, and only look back to glean something helpful. Don’t look back for too long. Remember, tomorrow is when it gets even more interesting.