how did i end up here?

img_20180529_205522I hosted friends at my house for the first time since I actually finished the living room floor. When a friend of my friend unexpectedly needed a place to spend the night, she stopped at my house to hang out before going home to bed. Let’s call her, B. B is around my age and she is struggling at life.  She’s got good friends, a place to live, and a good heart, but otherwise she is lost. She was a little tipsy after a wedding and was very talkative.

First she wanted to look around my house – which was one hundred percent fine. I think it’s wrong if you don’t want to do that. Then, she started asking questions. She asked if my cousin and I were roommates. She asked about my rent. She asked how I decided to get a dog. She was basically asking how I adult.

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I responded, of course, that no my cousin does not live with me.  Charlie is my roommate.  Just me and him. In the house that I own. She could not process how I was living by myself with my dog in a house that I own. I sat there contemplating how much I should share with a stranger. I decided to tell her the truth without going into the intimate details, and I have been thinking about my answers ever since.

How did I end up here?

Continue reading “how did i end up here?”

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i’m so happy

If I could tell the me of two years ago how happy I would be right in this moment, she would be shocked but so relieved. You know you are happy when you drink rum and Black Cherry sparkling soda and you are overcome with gratefulness. I’m just sitting here staring at the empty space that will eventually be my living room. It needs furniture and wall hangings. It needs sweat and elbow grease. It needs color and warmth. It needs memories. It’s a work in progress, but I am so happy that it’s mine. Charlie is being annoying and needy, but we are in our home. He is literally putting his face in my coat to go outside (even though every time I take him out he stares at the yard like “this is not what I expected”).

–Also side note: I’m listening to Lonely Eyes by Chris Young on repeat, and for some reason, the chorus is just so uplifting that I’m not even thinking about lonely eyes. —

Tonight I looked at my loan payments and savings account. It’s so relieving to know that even though I’m not living an extravagant life, that I am paying my bills and getting ahead of my student loans. Even though I’ve change my lifestyle a little bit, I’m still okay.  I’ve been eating out a little too much, but I’m cutting back so I can focus on my student debt again. It’s crazy what a little raise can do. I’m so used to saving money and accounting for every penny that I think I can go a few more years putting all I have towards my student loans and have them paid off by 2020 just like I hoped. According to an online calculator, I actually should be able to pay them off in May of next year!

Honestly, at that point, I don’t even know what I would do with all that money  when it isn’t going toward the loans. Maybe I would roll the snowball into my mortgage. Maybe I would put new siding on my house. The possibilities are endless. Just a little while longer watching all my money pay down my degree. It’s so close; I can taste it.

currently

 

Currently Reading: I read salt. by Nayyirah Waheed in February. Waheed is an Instagram poet that published a couple of collections of poems. I really relate to her words and style.  She’s fiercly feminist and tough on white people, but so many of the poems were really helpful to me last month. I’m also still working on The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I’m flip it open every now and then. I need to finish it, and crack open something new.

Currently Singing: Worst In Me by Julia Michaels.

Currently Watching: Bojack Horseman and Cheers. I’m on the last season of Cheers which is very sad.

Currently Loving: Coming home to my own home and a happy dog who misses me.

Currently Celebrating: It’s Lent, and I’m doing a very bad job at being Lenten. I’ve been meatless every Friday, but I prefer to take up some routine or ritual that is reflective or good. I still haven’t thought of something.

Currently Thinking: I’m currently preoccupied with the house projects I still need to do.

  1. Sand and finish the hardwood floors.
  2. Take measurements of the kitchen and attempt to design my “dream floor plan.”
  3. Remove/throw away the old furniture and junk that the previous owner left in the house.
  4. Get the workout/studio room in a functional state.
  5. Put shades or curtains on the kitchen windows.
  6. Buy a couch and chairs.
  7. Clean the upstairs.

Currently Worrying: That I need to start saving for a newer car. I could definitely drive mine longer, but I’m worried something else will be wrong with it tomorrow. I’ve put almost as much into it as I paid for it – of course it wasn’t that expensive. My plan is to hang on for a little while and build a savings. I think if I hold out and wait for something to happen, I will at least be comfortable making the decision to buy a newer one.

pride and hurting

How can you watch someone you love hurt over and over again and not hurt? How do you continue to love someone whose values don’t align with yours at all? How do you acknowledge the person that they are and accept that they are no longer your friend? How do you tell someone you love that in order to be who they need you to be, you have to remove yourself from them? How do you wrap your head around their decisions and let them go?